Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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