Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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