do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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