I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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