you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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