I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
