oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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