remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
