"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
