I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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