Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
