youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
