Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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