my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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