You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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