When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
