Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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