awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
