at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
