Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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