am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's always time for handjobs
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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