I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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