Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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