So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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