Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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