The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
