My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
