the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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