i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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