Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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