Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
