dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
