Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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