You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
