They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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