There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
