What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She is in my trunk
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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