i just had sex bonerless
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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