I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
