It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
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He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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