Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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