just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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