did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
