I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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