The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
