what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
