this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
