Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
