i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.