You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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