I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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