You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want nice things and good sex
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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