happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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