Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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