I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
