Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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