he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
