so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
